I have an impression about myself that I have no way of measuring, nor have I ever had. I believe I am thinking of others less than I used to. I catch myself thinking "Well it just stands to reason..." because I no longer have children at home and I am no longer going to a place of employment, yet I also know that it is one of my own warnings that "it just stands to reason..." is an infuriating lazy logic. People use it in education, gun control, and cultural disparities, even when there is solid data to the contrary.
Still, I do have that impression about myself, that having more time that is my own with no obligation to others has slowly caused me to be in my own head and not making an effort for others because such things do not even occur to me. I wonder if it will get worse.
I believe most of the variance on "thinking about others" is driven by personality. We all know people will no children of their own, perhaps even living alone, who nonetheless seem to be outer directed in helping others from the moment they get up, while others with wide obligations (often elective) seem to resent even a minimal draw on their time.
Come to think of it, I don't know why I consider personality to be the major factor just because it is a clearly observable one. It might be only 50%. It might be 30%. I have just engaged in the lazy thinking of "well I had an unmarried aunt who was the most giving person I know..." and left it at that. Maybe getting stretched by having a spouse and having children does improve the character, but it gradually ebbs when no longer called upon.
Or under greater pressure both rudeness/insensitivity and generosity/kindness both increase just by sheer volume of opportunity.
If obligation is a bigger driver of character than I credited, it is not a good sign that younger generations are marrying less often and having fewer children.
Update: I mistrust my drawing conclusions from observations of those I see most often, as they are predominantly active churchgoers at this point, and that is going to skew the results. When I have been encountering the old friends who are not churchgoers I have been surprised at how little outward focus there is. But that may be a cart and horse problem as well. Those who are outward directed, thinking of others, may be more likely to be sympathetic to churches and their actions, and thus become more religious in invisible ways, rather than the other direction of causation.
5 comments:
"As a result, a woman who is quite far gone in the Enemy’s service will make a nuisance of herself on a larger scale than any man except those whom Our Father has dominated completely; and, conversely, a man will live long in the Enemy’s camp before he undertakes as much spontaneous work to please others as a quite ordinary woman may do every day."
I have thought that is also true, but my most recent negative examples, among the Nice People, too, were both female. I knew them long ago and am just now noticing that they have always been this way. I am likely allowing that to color my view too much.
I see James has beaten me to quoting Lewis. I do think we should recognize the selfishness of much outward behavior. A substantial number of outgoing people are just bored with themselves and become vampires on the lives of other people. "Indifference to other people's problems" is often just aversion to idle gossip. "Unwillingness to help" often comes of a realistic understanding that helping people is really very hard. Those of us who have reached riper years should beware of selfishness, but we should also give ourselves credit for having acquired some wisdom. We should not forget the garrulous men by whole we were buttonholed and bored in our youth and we should not forget the frequent futility of helping. Leaving people alone is often the kindest and most loving thing we can do.
Another aspect: From Powers of Mind by "Adam Smith":
Ram Dass had become an archetype, a metaphor himself. Kids followed him to India, around India. The Indians were a bit bewildered. "The young Americans," they said, "dance and sing kirtan all day." Kirtan are religious chants and songs. "But they're so young. Don't they know the stages? First you're a student, then you go into a profession or business, then you become a householder, then your household grows up and doesn't need you any more, and then you go do kirtan all day."
I am one of those garrulous men who buttonhole every second person and I spread joy wherever I go, thank you very much.
In seriousness, though, I wasn't thinking of people who merely expressed concern and pretended to be helpful, but those who look for small acts of encouragement and kindness rather than the showy things - mentioning a job well done to an underemployed young man who is feeling useless, reassuring young parents in the neighborhood, giving a ride to a person who no longer drives, visiting the sick. Remembering forgotten people may sum it up. I too grow suspicious of large projects. Charity may just not scale up very well, even with best intent.
A Rwandan charity my son put us onto after he had been on a mission trip there and done a short documentary on gives young people - amazingly young, really - the tools and means to support themselves. It seems to work better than organisations that "give them more." Zoe Empowers.
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