Special Counsel Patrick J. Fitzgerald announced today that he would be serving a plastic turkey to the Democratic Underground and the KosKids for Fitzmas this year. “At this special time of year, we wanted to be as generous as possible to needy and unfortunate Democrats. They’ve been very patient, but have been reduced to eating their own in the past few months. So we’ve thrown open the cupboards and storehouses and given them everything we had.”
DNC head Howard Dean was overjoyed at the prospect of finally inviting his family to a feast. “It’s not plastic, it’s real. Look at it. Doesn’t it look real?” he insisted as he tore off a bite. “This is great turkey, and we know there’s lots more where that came from. Calling it plastic is just an effort by this administration to spin their way out of the obvious. It’s a Democratic feast from now until November. Want some?” Several NYT reporters took him up on the offer and pronounced the fowl in question to be superbly prepared.
Asked if he felt embarrassed at only being able to deliver a plastic bird, Fitzgerald denied this was the case. “We sent some real birds along as well. They just didn’t want it. It’s been sitting there untouched,” he noted, pointing to a simmering kettle. “Albatross, crow, and ostrich, all done up in a Louisiana gumbo. They’ll have to eat it eventually.”