Wednesday, May 24, 2006

That 70's Show

Hillary Clinton gave a major energy speech before the National Press Club and promises a major energy proposal shortly. Her solutions:

Okay, before we get to that, is there anyone who didn't guess her solutions beforehand? Conservation, of the "if everyone gave one used bicycle tire per week, no kitties would ever die" variety. Research, of the unspecified alternative energy type. And leadership, of the not-what-George-Bush-is-doing variety, to definitely include sticking it to the auto industry and the oil companies.

She was right on target with these, with a speech that reads like a Mother Earth News editorial from 1978. But there are cute additions that I think you should know about. She thinks there should be signs at every gas station reminding you to check the air in your tires. 55 mph "where people would support it." Eliminating drafts around doors and windows. Reasearch now avoids the scientific-sounding but unknown "geothermal" and replaces it with the scientific-sounding but unknown "biomass." The leadership involves Bush sitting down with the automakers, oil companies, as well as both the public and private sectors, presumably to make everyone straighten up and fly right.

But wait, there's more! The Clinton energy plan now comes with ethanol! And not just any ethanol, Binky, but cellulosic ethanol. How many of you think Hillary Clinton knew the word "cellulosic" before this energy speech was planned? I don't want to keep seeing the same hands here. It's a wonk word, inserted to show that she has really, really thought about these issues, people. Not like the other candi- that is, public servants.

This degree of understanding would not win a ribbon at a middle school science fair, even with "cellulosic" sprinkled on every stapled-up poster.


Steve Burri said...

You recently returned from Kayntuck. Did you check out any of their ethanol production facilities back in the holler?

Assistant Village Idiot said...

No, the ones in Romania nearly killed me. Beware palinka.