Isolation II

Following natural supports and networks. I read one single woman who had worked in a male-dominated field and had primarily male friends at work because there were just more of them, even though she tended to like the women better. But the women were not her age, so after retirement they were still at work and not as available as she would like.  She did make an effort to keep up with them especially for evening or weekend activities, but sometimes the landscape was a little bare. She hit upon the strategy of inviting her male work friends as a couple with their wives, and over time, actually be closer to those wives than to the men. I confess she was so gushing about this that I had to wonder if she was exaggerating how well it worked, but I have known men for whom this worked accidentally, getting together with women previously worked with, but with their husbands, who sometimes had a common interest or compatible personality.

That principle can be extended to starting with people who know other people, or groups that get together to do something. Men in particular tend to prefer interactions that include doing things, rather than just talking.  I am okay with "just talking" myself, especially in comparison to groups that have rather artificial activities, like lots of Men's Ministry stuff, but I know that I am a bit unusual in this. 

Most strategies beat no strategy. Like so many things in life, recognising that "Hey, this is a problem.  I need to adjust myself and do something about it" is already powerful. What I just wrote is not accidental, either. Adjusting yourself tends to be more helpful than feeling resentful at others who aren't adjusting. It doesn't have to bea large adjustment most of the time. While you are trying to figure out larger things, just jump on the smaller ones.  Sit in a different place at church. Change the time when you take your walk or go for a run. Pick up some one-shot deals volunteering, like meal train, making the coffee, driving someone to an appointment. Most of the time it creates no change, sure. So what?  You did some good, and got to see behind the curtain one more place.  Nobody's asking you to save the world.

Harvard Health newsletter: The article centers on marriage and men's health, which is only a portion of what we are discussing here. Lots of good stuff, though. While conflicted and bad marriages seem to be a bit worse for health, non-pathological ones (they do not say "good") are a whole lot better. Shockeroo, I know, but you can get plenty of people who just don't think this is so, and say so. This looks related to my recent "rising tide" post. Or they think that their particular situation is so special and different that it is outside the odds. Is it more likely women who say this (women are very likely more defensive about the issue) or is that just my small sample size?

Loneliness, depression and social isolation also contribute to excess mortality associated with divorce, bereavement, or never having married.  A Harvard study reported that socially isolated men have an 82% higher risk of dying from heart disease compared with men who have strong personal relationships. And the New England Research Institute reported that 66% of men rely on their wives for their primary social supports; only 21% rely on other people, and 10% have no such supports.