Thursday, July 17, 2008

Humorlessness II

It's so easy to get behind the curve. All of a sudden, Barack's humorlessness is the topic of the hour. I try to contribute my bit.

Barack Obama and a kangaroo walk into a bar and order arugula salads. The bartender says “We don’t serve arugula salads here.” Obama says “I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Did the civil rights movement mean nothing? It’s 2008, and a person of mixed race can’t be served in a bar open to the public? That’s racist, and the destructive politics of the past.”

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Barack Obama and a kangaroo walk into a bar and order arugula salads. “That’ll be $20 each,” says the bartender. Barack pats his pockets and the kangaroo pays. After a bit, the bartender says “You know, we don’t get many of your kind here.” Obama pulls a hand mic out of his pocket and goes off on a 10-minute rant about hope and change we can believe in. The kangaroo looks at him a long time and then says to the bartender “At these prices, you won’t be getting many more, either.”

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Barack Obama and a kangaroo walk into a bar and order arugula salads. The bartender says, “Hey, isn’t he from a foreign country?” Obama slams down his fist and says “You’re just showing your prejudices. That kangaroo was born in an American zoo, is completely native to this country, and his patriotism shouldn’t be questioned. And even if he was an immigrant, he would still have rights, because this is America.” The bartender says “I was talking to the kangaroo.”

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Barack Obama and a kangaroo are crossing the street to go into a bar to order arugula salads. Barack throws the kangaroo under a bus.

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Barack Obama walks into a French café with his daughter. The waiter says “Bonjour Monsieur et Madamoiselle.” Obama says, I’m sorry; I am embarrassed to be an American. My daughter and I don’t speak any French.” The waiter shrugs and says “That’s okay, I speak good English.”

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Barack Obama and a group of lemmings walk into a bar to order an arugula salad. The bartender says “What are those things, rats?” Obama says “Those are my friends. I love them like my own family. I have more small donors than anyone else.” The bartender says “Okay, they can stay, but I can’t see why you’d want to spend your time with rats.” The lemmings, eyes shining, watch Obama eat his salad. He goes back to the bartender “You know, you’re right, they are a lot like rats. They’ve been around for years and I never noticed before. I’ve decided I can’t stand them.” The lemmings all nod and follow him out of the bar.

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Barack Obama walks into a Dutch café with his daughter. The waiter says “Welkom Mijnheer en Meisje.” Obama says, “I’m sorry, I am embarrassed to be an American. My daughter and I don’t speak any Dutch.” The waiter shrugs and says “That’s okay, I speak good English.”

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Barack Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says “That’s a real nice one. Does he say anything?” Obama says “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” The bartender says to the parrot “That’s pretty good! Did it take long to teach him that?”

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Barack Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says “That’s a real nice one. Where’d you get him?” The parrot says “Chicago.”

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Barack Obama is about to walk into a bar when he sees an accident in the street. He pulls out his cell phone and dials 911. The dispatcher asks “What happened?” Obama says “I’m not sure, but it looks like a whole lot of lemmings threw themselves under a bus one at a time.”

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Barack Obama walks into a Moldovan café with his daughter. The waiter says “Buna Dimineata, Domnule si Domnisoara.” Obama says, “I’m sorry, I am embarrassed to be an American. My daughter and I don’t speak any Moldovan.” The waiter shrugs and says “That’s okay, I speak good English.”

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Barack Obama walks into a bar with his daughters to order arugula salads. “I’m sorry,” says the bartender “but I can’t serve them here.” Barack goes ballistic “I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Did the civil rights movement mean nothing? It’s 2008, and a person of mixed race can’t be served in a bar open to the public? That’s racist, and the destructive politics of the past.” The bartender says “No no no! It’s not that. I can’t serve them because they’re underage.” Bill Clinton turns pale and quickly leaves the bar.

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Barack Obama walks into an English pub with his daughter. The waiter says “Good afternoon, would you like arugula salads?” Obama says, I’m sorry, I am embarrassed to be an American. My daughter and I don’t speak any English.” The waiter nods “That’s what we’ve been telling you Yanks for years.”

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Barack Obama runs into a panhandler on the street. “Barry! My man Barry!” says the panhandler. “You were my best friend at Occi! I remember you used to get the most righteous weed. Have you got any now?” Obama looks at him narrowly. “That was in the past and it’s racist of you to bring it up now.” The panhandler looks puzzled. “Sorry Barry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to get you mad. Have you got any spare change?” Obama looks even more narrowly at him. “Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.” The panhandler looks at him funny. “So – no change?”

6 comments:

Carl said...

The last one is particularly good.

OBloodyHell said...

You both missed one:


"Why are you looking here when the joke is in your campaign?"

cold pizza said...

Heh. Heh heh heh. ***wipes tears away*** -cp

Gringo said...

I linked your jokes to Bookworm out in California. I am partial to the kangaroo jokes.

In my opinion, we best satirize what we love. Blazing Saddles did nothing for me because I had no great love for Westerns. I similarly find Obama difficult to satirize.

Giacomo said...

I loved the English pub finale.

John J. Coupal said...

Parrot one be the best.