Those of us who are Aspies will sometimes take your words over-literally. If you are just making small talk I can usually tell that you aren't really bringing a topic up for conversation, but sometimes...sometimes I think 'Well you brought it up." Phatic expressions I usually identify correctly. Though when someone asks "How are you?" I usually give a short answer that gives real information: "Tired," or "Pretty good, really." The closer a comment is to being unusual, or rising above mere small talk, the more likely I am to go with it. If you take it 10% out of range of small talk, I might experimentally take it 30% out with my next comment. Last year in Rhode Island a guy told me "Great shirt!" but after I had explained about getting it from my Filipina DIL he said a little ruefully "I just said it was a great shirt. I didn't ask for its history." Ouch.
I usually read the room well enough to tell if I have badly missed pretty quickly and draw it to a close, thinking Okay, you didn't really want to talk about your sister, then. Email, and especially texting either doesn't yet have good enough signals for sorting out the tough ones, or I just don't know them well enough. I have had people say they hadn't really asked for my opinion on something, but I think back and wonder "Well, why did you give me yours, then?" A lot of people expect to just be able to make pronouncements and never have to answer for them. Well, perhaps they are right. It may be one of the conversational subtleties that my autistic brain just doesn't get right.
It's seldom a big deal. I've watched people do far worse, and had people do far worse to me. But I am clearly on the side of "If you didn't want to talk about it, why did you bring it up?"
Sometimes I'm just in a mood to take talk literally, though I only do that with people I know who can take it harmlessly.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes I'm occupied puzzling about something else, and the smalltalk ID algorithm doesn't run. That "something else" may have been something else they just said...
One doesn’t need to be an Aspie to be phatically confused. A sincerity meter bracelet would be a hot commodity, appealing to many…
ReplyDeleteAnne, there is a story behind the story on this for you in particular if you want to contact me at asstvillageidiot@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteIt is the account I use to dictate messages to myself while I am walking or traveling so that my main email doesn't get filled with 15 straight one-phrase messages, but I occasionally use it for other things
I'm not an Aspie (I think) but it wasn't until I reached my fifties that I realised that when women tell you their problems they normally don't want you to solve them. You just have to nod your head and appear interested
ReplyDeleteThis is so familiar. I have been thinking for some time that I might be somewhere on the spectrum, maybe Aspie is it. I actually made a conscious effort to study things like this years ago. When somebody says, "Nice shirt," what does he really mean? I concluded men are making small talk, and "thanks" is all that is required. It took me a long time to learn that women really do like my shirt, and by extension might find me at least somewhat attractive. What a revelation!
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