Fitting Aspies Into Society

Can society only tolerate a certain percentage of Aspies?  Or do societies do better when there are lots of them? I like aspects of both possibilities. 

The social malfunctions require  a certain amount of grace from others, of overlooking offense because the Aspie doesn't mean any harm. What would look like narcissism or childishness in other circumstances can be regarded as benign, or nearly so. Think of the old stereotype of the socially-adept woman who marries a socially-clumsy but brilliant/competent/absent-minded man. "I know Harold never says he loves me, but I know he really does. The children were disappointed at times when they were young, but as they've gotten older they have come to appreciate that he really is a generous, kind man.  Just don't expect him to be thoughtful on his own, because those things never occur to him." We know that this self-absorption is not really selfishness or even self-centeredness.  It is obliviousness, inattention. It will worsen only gradually over time (we all respond to the incentives and signals of our environment and tend to increase what we can get away with - I don't mean to say that the worsening is a natural and inexorable progression), unlike those who rapidly become entitled and demanding, like narcissists.

[Partial digression] I will note immediately, however, that it does worsen over time unless checked. This may not be because the internal condition worsens, but simply that as people get older, more powerful, and have their autonomy respected more they come to automatically believe intrusions are an affront. It is straight out of Screwtape, that what people come to expect they believe they deserve, without any argument for desert having been put forward, much less established. It's fine when you are providing other usefulness for people, such as being skilled at a job, or supporting a family, but when that goes away and you are old I worry that what people will put up with will quietly lessen. We all underestimate our vulnerability to isolation and loneliness. I worry that Aspies may be more vulnerable, thinking that their lower social requirements* and need for alone time to recharge is an automatic protective factor. "I don't mind that it gets quieter around here.  I have always liked the quiet life anyway."

But the death of an important person in their lives, plus a friend who moves away to go into a retirement community near her daughter in another state, plus a third emotional support who loses mobility,** and you are sitting at your kitchen table wondering who you can call. Or worse, you do not even notice that your growing irritabilty or discouragement even stem from isolation, for recognising that problem would suggest solutions immediately.  You just feel more unhappy. And those who have restricted and curated their contacts have less margin. Those who are cheerful and more active become thinner on the ground. [End partial digression.]

On the other hand...

If Simon Baron Cohen is correct, invention is driven by autism. Some other abilities need to be in play as well, but when is that not true?  No single ability is standalone, as far as I can tell. Given the heritability of the condition, I doubt there are more of them around now.  But there seem to be more niches for them these days. I'm thinking the payoff for society is far higher than the cost.  Of course, that may be because the cost is borne by only a few, but many benefit.

*This is the more common presentation, but the opposite, over-social variant exists as well. It sounds contradictory, but such things occur in many conditions. If your doctor suspects depression/anxiety, they will ask if there have been changes in your sleep patterns.  Some sleep much more than they want when depressed, others have trouble sleeping. the same is true of appetite. It may increase or decrease. It is part of what makes diagnosis ambiguous and difficult. Some people seem to need less sleep at all times or need more.  We don't define those as psychiatric conditions, except at significant levels.  And some people seem to manage even those quite nicely. I will discuss other extremities in autism farther along.

** At first he can't drive at night or has to limit stairs; then he can't drive at all and relies on Uber and has trouble even with curbs; then he moves and sees so poorly that it is an effort to leave the house. Through it all you feel mostly sorry for him, not yourself.  Yet both of you are gradually moving to less live contact.  Live contact is important in itself, but it is also one of the drivers of phone calls, emails, texts, zooms. Those replace live contact, and all have been wonderful at creating at least a temporary increase. Yet for the old, even those go away, as the young, and then the middle-aged move inexorably to being with each other.