Apology and Forgiveness - Quick Version (Not Really)

I have two longer posts, Apology and Forgiveness - Reversing the Polarity and Apology and Forgiveness - Part Two and Expanded

They contain a lot of good information, especially including the comments.  But the writing is clunky and choppy, probably because the thinking was clunky and choppy. Has I have referred back to them a few times, and had them be puzzled at quite what was being said, I decided to have another go at it. Korora had a particularly good comment, which I will post with attribution under this post.  I hope this helps.  If you want more explanation or detail, give those two posts a try. I seldom suggests this, but if any of my assertions about apology and forgiveness seem not quite right, you might try bringing it up as a conversation among good friends. New angles may occur to you all (and I would love to hear about them.)

It is increasingly recognised that when we have trouble forgiving someone we should keep at it, not as some present to them, but as a way of liberating ourselves from the situation. This frees us to remember to we do not forgive because they deserve it, or because they have said they are sorry, but because we need that to happen.  Christians are reminded that "Uh, you were forgiven for (whisper, whisper)..." "Oh yeah, right.  I guess it's time, then."

Apollgising is the same, even though we don't quite think of it that way either.  We are still in playground mode, apologising so that Charlie won't be mad at us.  It's a little sacrifice to place on his altar. But that's  not it at all.  We apologise to show that we understand what the problem was.  To show ourselves, to show God, to show Charlie. We do open ourselves up to the other person. Part of acknowledging what was wrong is inviting them to complain back to us about that.  And they might not be fair, but at least to some initial extent, we put up with it. We say what we will do to prevent it happening again.

It can get tricky at this point, because Charlie might decide there's something else you should do instead. If it sounds like a fair substitute, then we do it. Yet sometimes it isn't a fair substitute, it is extracting a piece of flesh, and we worry that having opened this can of worms is going to continue to be unpleasant.  It might be, but that is a separate problem.  Setting limits on Charlie's price extracted can be handled later.  For now, you have your bit to do.

The ultimate object of apology and forgiveness is reconciliation. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that the consummation of apology and forgiveness is reconciliation. However, this is often not possible. The other person might be dead. Reconciliation is pretty much imaginary at that point. Or it may be impractical or unwise to contact them. The apology or forgiveness might be prepared and written but never sent. That's really where I have been headed with this all along, though it hasn't looked like it. The second post, above, expands on this considerably. If you are still with me and interested in this "reconcilation" part, with the politicians and the horrible crimes and all the complicated stuff kicking in you might like it.

To tell someone how to apologise properly, then, seems to be telling them how to appease another, and there is an aspect of it where we are indeed putting ourself into the power of another. This is what I did wrong. I am prepared to be more specific if you like, but I won't otherwise burden you with the details. Here is what I will do to prevent it happening again. I am sorry. With such statements you open yourself up to the other person lashing back at you. They might not be fair about it. You may have opened the door to greater acrimony (which is why wisdom is also important, as the people in the 12-Step groups who have worked long and hard on Step 9 know. Reinserting yourself years later into the life of a person who would prefer to forget you and have nothing to do with you may not help matters), or even cause them to sin. If this seems like something you'd like to know more of, that would be in the Reversing the Polarity post, above.