CONCORD – 1/31/06
Victoria Shouldis of Hillsboro announced at a press conference at the State House yesterday that she has “had it” with eccentricity and has decided to pursue a non-unconventional way of looking at life. “Vonnegut, Foucault, Joyce, I’ve tried them all. Judy Collins had it wrong with that sappy ‘Both Sides Now.’ Life is actually more like an icosahedron, and I’m sick of it.” When asked how she would celebrate this change in direction, Shouldis replied “I’m chucking that bottle of absinthe, buying a liter of White Zin, and going to see a production of ‘Cats.’”
Associates of Shouldis were quick to point out this is not her first attempt seek the center of the bell curve. “Vicky says things like this every few years. We don’t pay attention to it anymore.” Sources who wished to remain anonymous revealed that she has at various times bought Celine Dion CD’s, signed up for home delivery of Newsweek, and spoken highly of eating at Olive Garden. “It’s a pose,” one confided.” She can’t maintain it for more than a week or two. Eventually she has to walk past a used book store, and then she’s back to herself again.”
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