tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19305198.post4785452030427884567..comments2024-03-27T03:19:11.216-04:00Comments on Assistant Village Idiot: Evangelical Class On MarriageAssistant Village Idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01978011985085795099noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19305198.post-91084565152582078492015-02-03T12:18:21.124-05:002015-02-03T12:18:21.124-05:00I have always enjoyed teasing my spouse of 27 year...I have always enjoyed teasing my spouse of 27 years that we were an arranged marriage (after our families despaired of either of us finding anyone suitable on our own). We must have been dumb: families knew each other over 100 years,they went to school together, summered together. my spouse and I even were overlapping at Harvard and in the same House, similar majors, but never met. both working in NYC when fed up relatives fixed us up. The tribal stuff in common actually has helped. We have faced a lot of external trials and tribulations. Both of us came from families where divorce had wrought havoc (tho my parents were devoted til death, 52 years together) so we used to joke "murder maybe, divorce never" in the throes of initial marital fury at not being treated like the Last Emperor or Queen of Sheba. I had worked as a youth minister with kids whose lives were ruined by their parents' screwing around, drug addiction, mid-life crises, which helped motivate me to concentrate on my family rather than self actuAlization BS as I hit 40 (the danger year?)<br />My husband is an only child who still revels in the hubbub of family life after a lonely upbringing by two distant older parents. I'm probably the one who might have run off to study chimpanzees or some such, fed up with domestic drudgery. I do a lot of griping. My family ignore it, because I always cook a good dinner. I joke that I'm like the servants in the parable asked to go and help who say "no way". But then repent, and do what they are supposed to. What I learn from my own stormy family life is that what you do matters more than sweet talk. Being honest, faithful and reliable matters more than communication. My spouse and I are terrible disappointments to each other. But absolutely loyal. Allies. In a crisis, we pull together. At a friend's wedding, my homily used the medieval image of oxen yoked to the plow. Working together. Goaded . Directed in ways they might not choose. But a field to harvest the result of their labor. The point isn't the feelings, but that the work be done. Or, as a church friend said, having a happy marriage isn't so important as having one that endures. I'm not advocating masochism. But the friends of our early marriage who spent the most time and energy going out, going away (and about whom I whined the most to my frugal spouse, saying "if u loved me, u would take me to Lutece/East Africa/wherever away from squalling brats I envied my friends going) are mostly divorced now. We lived like a nature video we saw when I was pregnant w our first: two Hawks hunting for their young. Initially glossy, but progressively more ragged and exhausted as their screeching brood got bigger and more demanding. Utterly focussed on the job. The thing is, you fight and peck at each other but you trust a reliable coworker more than someone you just loaf and amuse yourself with. <br /><br />I don't present this stark a message to newlyweds. But I don't advocate Date night either. We didn't go on one for 20 years. I encourage them that children are a joy and a gift from God and more fun, even tho hard work, than anything. I encourage them to enjoy fleeting years when they can help young people explore and learn before those same people strike away. <br /><br />We've had unusual issues to contend with. But despite the tragedies, we'd do it again. I also can say categorically, having taken care of kids with issues (who I adore) that people blessed w healthy kids should recognize that they hit the Lottery. If we can stay married, social misfits that we are, disaster after disaster notwithstanding, there has to be a loving God helping families, and anyone should be able to make it...<br />Retrieverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09036341287285545932noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19305198.post-88942300178605857922015-01-27T21:29:12.157-05:002015-01-27T21:29:12.157-05:00I think you must have a terrible time being lectur...I think you must have a terrible time being lectured to, and you gamely try to harness your considerable capacity to enforce humility on yourself.<br /><br />I'm trying to remember my expectations of marriage, back in the Planck time. I'm pretty sure I didn't want anything more complicated than a husband to help me make a home. 32 years later, the strongest assurance in my life is that wherever he is, my home is. It took him a while to make me understand he wasn't going anywhere.<br /><br />But it did turn out that there were a ton of things we had to learn about getting along with each other. And then we had to learn all over again when we retired and started being together all day every day. The only thing that makes it possible is the deep belief that there is nothing else for either of us but the other.Texan99https://www.blogger.com/profile/10479561573903660086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19305198.post-9096733832331892722015-01-27T21:28:32.393-05:002015-01-27T21:28:32.393-05:00Part of it is words. They're slippery things,...Part of it is words. They're slippery things, and in the mouths of the careless or inexperienced don't come close to meaning what they mean when you've lived the thing itself. They sound glib because the word "care" doesn't carry the memories of nights sitting up taking care of N sick kids when you're coming down down with the bug yourself, "service" seems lightweight compared to actually giving things up--sometimes permanently--to make it easier for her (and the little things are sometimes hardest), and "patience" sounds so quick when not freighted with decades of trying to help children master the skills of life.<br /><br />The important things are always simple. The simple things are always hard. The easy way is always mined. (from Murphy's Laws of Combat)jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01792036361407527304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19305198.post-23112055941907609222015-01-27T19:29:23.949-05:002015-01-27T19:29:23.949-05:00You do what you can, when you can. and be supporti...You do what you can, when you can. and be supportive as best you can the rest of the time. I'm working on year 7.Sam L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00996809377798862214noreply@blogger.com